It's Gotta Be American

After a lovely thanksgiving break away from school, I'm officially back and ready for the last long two weeks before finals start. While I was at home, I observed the true meaning of Thanksgiving, which is food. This led me to try and think of other things in my life that were very clearly made by Americans. I don't care if some French guy actually made it or it evolved from some Indian tradition. It's 'merican.

#1: Thanksgiving
I would venture to guess that not only was this invented by an American, but but an American man. This holiday is centered around food. I mean sure, we give thanks like for .02 seconds before we eat our weight in mashed potatoes. Thanksgiving also has themes of football, alcohol, and general laziness twisted in, which just confirms my suspicion that clearly a pilgrim man came up with the entire idea.

#2: Corn dogs
Really, if you think about it, corn dogs are really just hot dogs you only have to eat with one hand. Corn dogs are like hot dogs for lazy people.

#3: Microwavable food
This I believe was actually invented by a woman. For some reason, the men in my life actually have no idea how to cook. I believe my dad officially just added pasta to his list *insert clapping here* So, some forward thinking woman decided that she would create the holy grail of all food and just flash freeze premade food so that inept men everywhere wouldn't starve to death while their significant other was out of town. I'm sure this also decreased the number of accidental house fires and pizza deliveries. However, this one kind of backfired on her because, maybe it's just me, but every time my brothers want microwavable food they look over at me or my sister and say "how long does this go in the microwave for?" *head explodes* Not only is he very likely holding the box the food came in which contains written instructions on how to make frozen food in like 6 different cooking objects, but they have no included PICTURES! In the words of one of my favorite youtube stars "If I didn't give birth to you, it isn't my job to tell you how long to microwave your sh*t. Learn to read"

#4: The Snooze Button
The invention of the snooze button is both a good thing and bad thing in everyone's life. My probability to be late increases exponentially, but I feel my mood is better. But only an American would have thought "You know how I want to spend the first moments of my day? Asleep."

#5: Snuggies
Not only can you sit on the couch and watch TV for endless hours on Netflix or your DVR (Both of which I'm convinced were invented by Americans) but now your poor little arms don't have to get cold when you reach for another potato chip.

I'm sure I could think of infinitely more things that are clearly American inventions, but for now I'll leave it with these. If you think of more, comment belowwwwwwwwww. 

P.S. I'm sorry for hatin' on men so much in this post, don't worry guys, it won't happen again (though it probably will)

I'm back...sort of

My ability to drop off the face of the Earth really is superb. My secret? Contract laryngitis. Yes, ladies and gentleman, if you too would like to drop off the face of the Earth and not leave your bed for an entire week, an upper respiratory infection is for you. While I've had laryngitis I have had only the most convenient things happen to me. This is the only week of the entire semester I have had two clarinet lessons in one week, I've had to cancel both, so needless to say my teacher (who doesn't care for me much anyway) is a little irked. I had a math test over logarithms and exponential functions, which I don't understand on any day, let alone a day when my sinuses are about ready to fall out my ears. But Wednesday tops it all. Yes, Wednesday most definitely takes the cake. Out of the entire semester, the one week I have a SPANISH ORAL EXAM, is the week I get laryngitis. Wednesday morning I woke up feeling like I was punched in the face twice by Mike Tyson, run over by a semi, closely followed by a train and then stampeded upon by a herd of obese camels. I did manage to get to my test on time (7:50 AM) and I opened my mouth to speak to the other students waiting to take the speaking test and....nothing. I had completely lost my voice. I sounded like the tiniest, squeakiest mouse. Somehow, everyone else (including my teacher) found this rather amusing. But never fear, I did make it through the test by holding the microphone right in front of my face. Now, on Friday I am sounding much more like a 60 year old male chain smoker, which has given me back my ability to communicate with others. My voice has also been compared to the chocolate lady from Spongebob. If you don't know what I'm talking about and you're under the age of 25, I'm very disappointed. So, to close, I'd like to leave another one of my famous little college tips: Bring more medicine. Bring dayquil, nyquil, sudafed, excedrin, advil, tums, whatever you can think of for any disease you could possibly contract. If your RA doesn't think you're a drug dealer, then you're doing it wrong. Take the number of times you've been sick in your entire life times 4 times and that's how often you will get sick in college. Bring. dem. meds.

In case you are one of the poor souls that never watched Spongebob, here's the chocolate lady. The show isn't actually in black and white, but that's the best I could find. Curse you copyright laws.

College Lies

Now that I am a college student, I feel it is my responsibility to go back and rid the world of all the crappy advice I got. Ladies, Cosmo and Seventeen are not the places to get college advice. Gentleman, you don't have to be a frat star to survive in college. Believe me.

1. "No one in college carries a backpack, get yourself a cute purse or bag" Seventeen
FALSE!! Absolutely false. In fact, the majority of people carry backpacks, even my teachers! There are a few girls who think they are just too cool to have backpack and carry around their longchamps, but let's be real, I'm judging them. Not only do people carry around backpacks, but they carry nice backpacks. Jansport isn't going to cut it people! Invest in a Northface, Patagonia, or some other brand of very well made backpacks. Hiking backpacks are designed to save your back, and believe me, you'll want that later.

2. "Practically everyone has a Mac, so go pro." Seventeen
This is kind of true, but at the same time don't run to the Apple store right now! Depending on your major, sometimes PCs are recommended. For example, most engineering schools, as well as some business schools require PCs. Otherwise, Mac might be your best choice. They just run better than PCs in my opinion, and have fewer problems. However, if you aren't Mac savvy, take a class or something before getting to college. All the library computers are PCs and you are going to need to know how to convert your files. Lastly, you don't have to go pro. In fact, I wouldn't. I have a MacBook white, similar to a pro, and it gets heavy. I'm seriously considering getting an IPad or a MacBook air simply because lugging this thing to class and all over campus is like carrying the population of China in your backpack.

3. "Going to big lectures isn't important, and the professors will likely post the notes anyway." Cosmo
Seriously, who writes these? GO. TO. CLASS. If you go to class you are hearing what the professor is saying, seeing it, and writing it. Three opportunities for you to learn it simultaneously, as opposed to just reading notes of classmate. Also, lots of universities are trying to move to smaller class sizes where attendance can be taken everyday, or at random. The easiest points you can get are the ones for showing up to class. Just go.

4. "Go out on the weeknights, you are only in college once." Cosmo
Personally, I don't go out on weeknights except on rare occasions. But I would like to take this opportunity to say that college will surround you with people who drink, but you don't have to be one of them. A lot of people in my dorm go out on weeknights, but I don't have to go with them. There is always someone to stay in with. Believe me when I say, that I deal with enough drunken idiots to know that I will never drink that much. Know your limits, know how much sleep you need, and make homework a priority. Your parent's aren't paying 500 dollars a day for you to be so hungover that you don't even go to class.

5. "Hot professors are the best." Seventeen
Excuse me. But is this even real life? Like no. Smart professors are the best, personable professors are the best, good professors are the best. Is it nice to have something to look at every once and a while? Yes, but find a classmate. Ratemyprofessor.com can be a beautiful thing. I know it sounds superficial and awful, but this website has some really helpful comments about what a professor is like, their lecture style, and if they even care. Some professors are just ready to retire. If you have the opportunity to take from an amazing professor, do it. Skip the hot TA and go for the engaging professor who will actually give you a decent education.

I'm sure there will be many more college rumors for me to bust later, but I feel like I've done some damage to the plethora of crap out there for high schoolers to read. I seriously wonder sometimes if the people that write these columns actually went to college...

My Favorite Type of AC

Greetings from the tundra/ the north pole/ pluto/ the polar ice caps/ Antarctica/ my room. Yes, ladies and gentleman, it is a chilly 60 degrees Fahrenheit in my room currently. However, I'm not here today to talk about AC, like air conditioning. I'm here to talk about possibly the best thing that's happened to me this semester. I saw my very favorite type of AC this week. That's right, you guessed it. Aaron freaking Carter. I endured a long line, a nasty bar, drunken concert goers, and those creepy bouncers that put x's on your hands, all to see my kindergarten crush, Aaron Carter. When he came running out singing I want candy, a little piece of my 6 year old self came back. Let me tell you, some may say that Aaron Carter needs to get a real job and move on. Others may say that he is just a washed up child star. Well, they are wrong. He. Is. Beautiful. He still has the voice of an angel and body of Olympian. He took me on a ride back through the 90's singing "I want Candy," "I Want it That Way," and "Bye, Bye Bye." But really, it didn't hit me till he hit every single note of Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines." He's still got it. Just when I thought my inner child was fully satisfied that she had finally seen Aaron Carter live after 12 years of waiting, Aaron got me again. I touched Aaron Carter. I REPEAT, THIS HAND TOUCHED AARON CARTER! While he was serenading me to what has become my ultimate jam (Aaron's Party) he winked at me, held out his hand, and I touched it. That concert was well worth the 12 year wait, the sweaty mosh pit, staying out late on a school night, and the lack of ability to hear for the next 24 hours. So, I guess you could say my major for this week's "What's My Major Wednesday?"would be a B.A. in fangirl. Also, just in case you were wondering, Aaron Carter is only 25, so I still have a chance. Dibs.

Dear Roommate

Dear Roommate,
I've noticed a new trend that is not working out in my favor. This trend involves our air conditioner. You see, roommate, when the weather turns cold outside, it doesn't have to turn cold inside too. We have this beautiful thing called a radiator which emits life-giving heat. Now roommate, I know you know we have a radiator because occasionally the pipes bang together and sound like someone is firing a shotgun inside of our radiator. It's a little hard to miss.
Roommate, I would like to thank you for one thing. I actually didn't know that our air conditioning went down to 60 degrees. What a pleasant surprise. However, when the temperature outside is only 50 degrees, 60 degrees isn't actually that pleasant. Unless you want me to don a red suit and start saying "ho ho ho" there is no reason for our room to feel like the north pole.
Contrary to your belief, I actually don't enjoy waking up for my 8AM class and feeling like I'm touching an icicle as I climb down my ladder. I feel like my next step may be to grow feathers and become a penguin, since clearly our room is the arctic circle.
So, in conclusion roommate, we need to turn up the heat, and turn off the air conditioner. If we don't remedy this situation soon, plaster dust won't be the only white powder falling from our ceiling.
Sincerly,
Your frost bitten roommate

These are NOT a few of my favorite things

There are many things that I will not miss about living in my residence hall. The stumbling drunks on every night of the week (oh, they don't even rest for Sunday!), the smell of vomit on dollar night, the sounds of 1000 herds of cattle running up and down the hallway at 3AM on a Tuesday night, or even the passed out people in the lobby. No, this is not what I will 'miss' the most.

You may be wondering why I'm up right now. It is, after all, 1:41 AM on a Friday night. Have I been out partying my face off as a reward for midterms well done? No. I'm awake because of a stroke of intelligence in a member of my residence hall.

When one has a migraine, one usually goes to sleep. So, at approximately 10:30PM I got in my very cozy bed and went to sleep. At approximately 1AM, the fire alarm goes off. Yes, ladies and gentleman the fire. alarm. Living in a building that is 90+ years old, the fire alarm sounds like a mixture of a whale getting stepped on by an oversize elephant and foghorn. Needless to say, I was quickly awakened.

Now, it isn't unusual for our dorm to have fire drills (though they don't normally happen at night) so I decided to get out of bed for fear of my RA. "get out of bed" might be too nice of term. I fell. I also did not stick the landing, and came down sideways on my foot. Joy.

I went outside with the rest of the residents in my pajamas, because god knows these cow pajama pants needed to be seen. I stood out on the lawn for a grand total of 30 minutes. Bear in mind people, it's about 30 degrees outside. The fire department arrives, the police, the dominos pizza guy, and the rest of the people who tried to stay inside all stand on the lawn. The parade of whores and shackers start to trickle out. But who comes out next? A girl (who will remain unnamed for fear of her life) comes out with a basket. Not just any ordinary basket. A basket containing a bucket of popcorn that was once on fire.

I have only one thing to say:

Dear girl with the popcorn,
When you come home drunk, and think you need popcorn. DON'T. Just don't. If for some reason, you can't help yourself. Please remember to take the plastic wrap off the popcorn before you microwave it.
Thanks
That girl who was actually asleep

So now, after a lovely 30 minute stand out in the cold, I have navigated through the drunk people back to my room. Yes, it smells like burnt popcorn. Yes, I'm icing my ankle. Enough said. Yay me.

What's My Major Wednesday-October 23rd

Being a freshman at a large liberal arts university, I am practically required to change my major at least 1091890 x 10^21 times. This is why every Wednesday, I reevaluate what I think my major should be this week. Though I've never officially declared anything (ok, maybe once, but I was a high schooler trying to get into college. What did I know?) it is fun to think. Most of the time my evaluation has at least one legitimate option, one option that I would love to actually be a real and attainable option, and another couple of options that I toss in there for fun (past examples include professional hobo and professional street performer.) As of late, the idea that has been sticking around most consistently has been majoring in human biology, or something of the sort, and going to graduate school to become a chiropractor. We will see how long this lasts. BUT, without further adieu, here is this week's choice for what's my major Wednesday........

B.A. in Sarcasm and B.S.

I came up with this lovely idea while scrolling though the majors list on the university website. Being my mature, adult self, I giggled every time I saw the term "B.S." (which means bachelor of science) That's when I wondered if that could be a real major. What would I do with my degree in sarcasm you may ask? Well dear children, I have grand plans for my sarcastic self. First off, I would want to make regular guest appearances on Saturday night live. I would only want to be in the funny sketches though, not any of the ones that drag on and on and they're trying to be funny and everyone watching just feels very uncomfortable. Nope. None of that for me. Clearly, a B.A. in sarcasm makes you more than qualified to have your own late night comedy show, right? Right. One of my favorite past times is making fun celebrities and other people and other people's habits. Don't get me wrong, it's not out of a mean spirit, but a humorous one.  It's like being a sarcastic sociologist. Most of what I say is an observation, not a judgement. So in short, I want to be Chelsea Handler. Because, let's be real, there is nothing better than late night Chelsea Lately reruns. Or even better, actually tuning in at the ungodly inconvenient time to watch that days episode. I mean, Chelsea is so funny, that they actually put funny people on the show with her, so she can out funny them! She's so funny, that half the time she doesn't host her own show, and they still call it Chelsea Lately. So, in conclusion, this week's what's my major Wednesday is just me, giving myself an excuse to be highly inappropriate all the time. Sounds like a fabulous degree to me. 

Who are you?

No, this is not a post about popular music of the 80's, though that might be slightly more entertaining. This post is all about the one and only me. What's the best way to get to know each other, you might ask? Well, according to 21st century culture and my high school freshman past self, the best way to get to know someone is through a 50 questions facebook note. So pretty much the evolved version of a MySpace quiz....Here goes nothing.

Where is your Mother?
I'm going to have to say she is probably in bed, the woman never stays up past like 8PM.

Where is your Father?
Working.

Do you like to swim?
Well, with 4 years of high school swim team under my belt I can definitely say, not anymore.

Do you need to return anyones phone call?
Probably. But let's be real, if it hasn't happened by now, it isn't going to happen.

Where were you born?
In a hospital. Duh.

Where do you keep your birth certificate?
Dude, I have no idea where that even is. I bet my mom lost it.

How many days until your birthday?
Exactly one month. Well I guess it's past midnight, so one month minus one day.

What is the closest orange object to you?
I don't have the desire to look. Probably goldfish.

Have you sneezed in the past hour?
No, and this is a stupid question.

How many books are in your room?
Not as many as there should be for a college student.

What did you last eat?
A crap ton of free pancakes

Who is your favorite teacher of all time?
Well, I've had a number. My eighth grade teacher is responsible for any knowledge I have of the English language, and she was almost as sarcastic as I am, so she makes the list. I had some top notch high school teachers, but my absolute favorite would have to be my band director. Talk about an amazing lady. Currently, my favorite teacher is my Spanish GTA, she is quite amusing and makes quality facial expressions.

Name one of your goals for this year?
Survive freshman year of college. Also don't get fat.

What is the biggest trouble you have ever been in?
Senior year my mom took my car, and I actually don't remember why. I must've said something extremely sassy.

Did you cry because Michael Jackson died?
No.

What does your 9th message on your phone say?
"Boo, you whore."

Look to your left. What's there?
A lamp. Oh boy.

Ever pop someone else's pimple?
WTF what is wrong with the quiz. No.

How long does it take you to fall asleep?
Depends which level of exhaustion I'm at or which class I'm in.

Are you scared about the end of the world?
Nope

Is there a TV in the room you are in?
Yes, what else am I supposed to watch Duck Dynasty on?

What are you looking forward to?
The end of this quiz.

What comes to your mind when I say red?
Light.

What other language do you want to be fluent in?
Spanish...German, French, and Math

Do you crack your neck often?
No, but my chiropractor does.

Do you usually hold your pee for a long time?
No, because I have to pee like every 3 milliseconds.

Is it possible to lick your elbow?
No, but my best friend can

Worst feeling in the world?
Loneliness.

What's your current favorite commercial?
HUUUUUUMMP DAAAAAYYY

Name something you think is pointless?
This stupid quiz. Also our dorm floor rules and psychology

Favorite fast food restaurant?
Chickfila

Have you ever been in a fist fight?
Probably, if I have I probably lost. I mean, does my brother count?

Would you consider yourself as a pyro?
That was a terribly worded question. and no.

Did you have a weird dream last night?
No

Do you wish at 11:11?
Clearly.

Do surveys really cure boredom?
No , because this was boring AF

There. Now you know everything about me! Yay you. I'm sure your life is much more enriched and fulfilling now. Now it's time to strap on your seat belts kids, because we are about to embark on the wild, scattered, crazy ride that is my life.